Square One
by ForeverErica
Summary: Post-"Whatever Happened, Happened". 5x11. Kate goes to Jack to apologize for something she said, but is she too late to fix it?


_**Hey! This is a one-shot that was requested by my good friend, Anna. She wanted something set in 1977 (aka Dharma times), something that was a little lighter, given all of the delicious Jate angst of that time. There is a great interplay of understanding and misunderstanding between the two of them here, but I hope that's okay (I still have to stay true to the 'It wasn't all misery'/'Enough of it was' scene that happens after this, they still don't get it, so typical of Jack and Kate, LOL). **_

_**P.S. I hope someone catches the 'Eggtown' reference, hehehe. Enjoy! **_

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><p>He dragged. He was literally dragging up the steps that led to the front door of the Dharma house that was assigned to him. He was beyond tired, his head drooped in front of his slumped shoulders as he used the key to unlock the door. It sucked being the new recruit on the janitorial staff. What the veterans didn't want to deal with, whatever work they felt themselves too privileged to handle trickled down to the new recruits. So much for sixteen years of his life working hard in medical school to graduate a year early, slaving away as a resident and working through the rigid, traditional rankings to become the most skilled spinal surgeon on the West Coast. And it all came down to how well he mopped the floors of the communal bathrooms on the east side of the compound.<p>

He knew that he had to keep his cover air-tight for the sake of Sawy— erm, _LaFleur_'s reputation and standing in the Dharma community, as well as the safety of Kate and Hurley. Besides, he was the one who uprooted everyone and brought them back. So, he swallowed his pride and went with whatever was thrown his way, but if he never saw another soiled toilet bowl in his life, he would die a very happy man.

He sat down on the bed and sloppily stripped himself of the full-body workman jumpsuit, taking his socks and boots off once the suit bundled at his feet. He took off the sweaty blue T-shirt and boxers that lie underneath. The harsh, yet soothing rain of warm water from the showerhead created a steamy mist around him, to the point where the tip of his nose was the only thing he could discern in the space. He brought his head up, letting the water blow all over his face, the feel of the day's turbulence swirling into the drain at his feet. Juliet was angry at him, for coming back, for attempting to save what never needed to be saved. She saw right through him. He was back for himself, she concluded, and she wasn't completely wrong. James was boastful, happy to let him know that he would decide what happened to Sayid, in his own time and in his own way, that he was the man in charge, and Jack didn't want it any other way. He had bigger issues on his mind than making midnight patrols around the compound, searching for the tiniest of offenses.

Kate was disappointed that he hadn't jumped to do what she wanted him to do, what five pairs of expectant eyes bore into him, a sense of responsibility for Ben's life, when they failed to realize that he hadn't come back to walk the same line, to tread the same path. He tried not to let her words sting, but they had. She was pushing every button she could to rouse him out of his placated calmness, because it hurt her that he acted like a callous jerk, more than it hurt him to know that she was being spiteful and mean just for the heck of it. He brought himself to that conclusion, because if he ever believed that she meant every word she spoke, it would be the end, and he didn't want it to be the end.

He sighed and bowed his head lower; the heavy mist of water ran down his back.

She knew that it was risky being out this late, and it was even more of a risk to walk up to Jack's door like she knew him, when they weren't supposed to know each other at all. Then again, he walked up to her door a few days before, boyishly charming and very hungry, asking her to join him for breakfast, in the solid attempt to keep their cover afloat. So, it wouldn't be a big deal for her to go to his place, right?

It unnerved her to see him so calm when Sayid was stuck in a cell somewhere, being treated like an unwanted wild animal, while they went on to breakfast like everything was normal, when nothing was. Jack, more often, acted with his sense, his reasoning. There was nothing they could do for Sayid if they blew their cover. They would be in just as much danger as he was if they stepped even one toe out of line. She expected his thinking to take that route, she knew it, trusted it, even if she want to rebel against it. But what she didn't expect, what unnerved to the extreme was watching the man she loved, the man who sprung to action at any sign of struggle or panic, stand in the kitchen, making sandwiches while a young boy bled to death.

No. Wrong word. It wasn't unnerving, it was infuriating. Jack was infuriating, but she stepped over a very fine line, and went from panic about a young boy's life that hung in the balance and turned it into a fight about them, and she shouldn't have done that. They had problems, that much they both knew, but to throw them in his face when she didn't get her way, that was unfair and childish, and she didn't want to act that way with him, even if she blamed him for Aaron no longer being in her life. That wasn't his fault, yet she still blamed him for it. It all started when he walked away from the life they were building together, brick by brick. In one single night, with one single misunderstanding, he let it all fall to the ground.

She almost turned back around when she reached his door, her mind changed, but she knew that she would only climb into bed and toss and turn all night, the image of his sad, dejected face making her blood run cold. So she turned and knocked lightly, but no one answered. She could have sworn he would be home; it was too late for him to be anywhere else. So she knocked again, harder, desperate for him to open the door.

He was washing the sudsy foam away from his skin when he heard the banging at his front door. He let go of a frustrated huff. What now? All he wanted to do was dry off and climb into bed and sleep for an eternity. Fat chance of that happening if whoever was at the door was ready to tear into him like Kate, James and Juliet already had. Enough was enough.

"Coming!" He called as he reached towards the towel stand.

He made it to the door, swinging it open quickly. The moment he saw her pretty, freckled face, his tired spirit lifted. She stood there in her faded grey t-shirt with the top half of her dark blue jumpsuit unzipped and bunched around her petite waist. Her dark curls rained over her slender shoulders. She was still so beautiful, even after all he put her through.

"Hey." Kate said, the word rushing out of her mouth on a shaky breath as she drunk in his appearance. He stood in the doorway, a white terry-cloth towel slung low on his waist, his chest, shoulders and arms slick, glistening from the shower, his hair a damp mess. She felt her throat close on impact. She suddenly had to concentrate on breathing and tried with everything inside of her not to blush, but her face felt like it was on fire. Damn.

His eyes wandered to the dark, vacant courtyard behind her, surveying the area to see if anyone saw her at his doorstep this late. He didn't know how strict these Dharma people were with curfews and so forth. Sawyer obviously trusted them, but he couldn't find the same confidence in these people that he had. He didn't have three years to build assurance in people that James felt the need to lie to from the start.

"Hey. What are you—is everything okay?" Jack stammered as he stood there, all six-foot two-inches of him dripping wet, the hardwood floors underneath his feet catching the drops that frequently fell from his flushed skin.

"Yeah. Everything is good. I just needed to talk to you." Kate reassured him.

"Can I come in?"

He shook his head of the panic that rose inside of him. This was the first time she'd visited him and well, he thought that it had to be an emergency for her to even do so, considering how angry she has been, but she looked pretty calm, and yet, unsettled at the same time, like something was on her mind. He sometimes couldn't tell _what _was on Kate's mind, but he was good at recognizing _when_ something was bothering her.

"Sure." He moved his large shoulders out of the doorway, allowing her to pass into his living area.

She fidgeted with her hands, unsure of what to do with herself in his presence, which was odd, because just the other night, the night before the Ajira flight, she'd had him in ways, positions they'd never tried when they were together. Hadn't she had enough of him already? Obviously not nearly enough, she thought as she watched a drop of water trickle down the valley between his pecks, down his long, delectable torso, and then rested along his treasure trail before it moved lower, finally caught by the towel that was still loosely bunched around his waist. She had such fond memories of that trail, the tip of her tongue found its way down that trail too many times to count, she thought with a tiny smirk.

"Kate?" She heard her name faintly. It sounded so far away.

Then it registered loud and clear. "_Kate_?"

She looked up at him then, startled out of her thoughts. "Huh?"

"Are you okay?" She heard the chuckle in his tone.

"Yeah…uhh. I'm fine."

There was a lull, a beat. She couldn't discern anything beyond the rapid thumping of her own heart. He looked at her expectantly, but there was such tenderness about it as well, like he could feel her awkwardness and decided to soothe her with his eyes from where he stood, as if careful not to make too much physical contact. He didn't know that just being here with him was soothing enough for her. She even thought about staying here with him, just lying in bed, letting him wrap his arms around her and just sleep, not necessarily make love, which was something she'd been craving since the morning after the last time they had, but she knew that would give him the wrong idea. She wanted him back, she missed him, them, the way they were together, but she needed to be clear, she needed to stay focused. It wasn't the time for that yet, but it was time for her to give up on being so angry, at least to the point of lashing out like a child when he didn't do what she thought he would, what she expected him to do. He has changed; everyone has the right to change.

She cleared her throat. "I just wanted to say that what I said back there…in James' kitchen…"

She paused then, letting go of another half-blown breath. "I didn't mean it."

He thought he heard her wrong, but when his mind caught up to the kernel of hope budding in his heart, his eyes softened, the air in the room suddenly became charged by the electrostatic attraction between the two of them as their eyes locked in an impenetrable gaze. She saw in his eyes that he accepted what she was offering and that maybe, that was all she could offer for the time being.

"I was just so frustrated. I couldn't understand why you wouldn't help and I still don't understand it. It's not like you at all, to sit around while someone needs your help." She brought her hand up to her head, massaging her temples. Every time she thought about it, she felt a migraine pinch at her nerves. How could she love someone she couldn't quite understand, at least not anymore? "But he's okay now. Ben will live. I gave him my own blood, and he's fine now, wherever The Hostiles have taken him."

His brows arched. "You gave him your own blood?"

"Yeah. It felt like the right thing to do." She suddenly felt defensive, even though his question bore no judgment on her part. He actually looked very proud of her.

A smirk came to his face. Yep, he was proud of her, which made her feel even worse for telling that bogus lie of not liking the new him. It was more of _misunderstand_ than _dislike. _

'_I don't understand this new you!_'

Why couldn't she have said it right the first time? She knew why. Anger was a blinding beast, turning her into an irrational, combative, emotional sore spot that no one could possibly satisfy.

"I know that you still don't understand why I couldn't do it. That's who you are, Kate. You see someone hurting and you leap first and ask questions later." Come to think of it, he was a lot like that too, but during this second run on the Island, he was more cautious with what he did, what moves he made. He was more careful and less impulsive with who he trusted and he would never trust Benjamin, the elder or the small child. He knew that she was super-sensitive to seeing a child, any child, even if that child were to grow up, throw her in a cage and emotionally manipulate her to save himself, suffer. She left Aaron behind and he knew that her voyage back to the Island was to find Claire. Why she wanted to keep that a secret he would never understand.

"I stand by what I said. I didn't come back to do the same thing over and over. I saved Ben's life already and I did it to keep you safe. Whatever happened, happened, whether I intervene or not." He stood his ground.

Since they were resolving at least a portion of their issues, he decided to put it all out there. "The fact that you thought I was working with him to take Aaron away from you before we came back…" He paused, trying to find the right words. "It hurt that you would think that of me, but it's not like I didn't deserve it."

She shook her head sternly, apologetically. "You didn't deserve that. I was just—"

"Punishing me?" He interjected for her, watching as a guilty tick shook the corner of her luscious lips, drawing his eyes to them like a magnet, and making him shake with images of what that beautiful mouth had done to him while they lay wrapped up in one another not too long ago. He pushed the images away. He had to keep this conversation steady, focused. He had to stay focused.

"I hurt you, and you were right. Just because we were on that plane, it didn't mean that we were _together_."

Ouch. She physically grimaced at her own words being thrown back in her face, but she knew that Jack wasn't doing that. He wasn't punishing her with them, he wasn't saying them out of spite or means for payback, he was just stating what he knew to be true, what he believed, and the only reason he believed it was because she hadn't told him not to. She said it for all the reasons that Jack did not, because she was angry, spiteful and wanted to pay him back for being the only man that broke her heart, the only man that she ever allowed herself to be truly invested in and to get close enough to break her heart. What kept her so guarded all of those years was the fear of that feeling, the fall, the crash into someone who meant more than anything and could make her want and do everything possible to keep them close. He did that and even though he screwed up, he still had that effect on her and she knew that he always would.

"There aren't a lot of things I'm sure about anymore, but what I was dead certain of was you and me and the fact that I had to come back. I believed so much that we could get off the Island and I guess I didn't make much progress, since I'm right back where I started." He gestured to the room around them.

"Locke told me to stay and I didn't listen. He killed a woman right in front of me because it was that important and I didn't listen. But beyond what happened between you and me, beyond what I think I know to be true, I know that I have to fix this. I have to make it right. How am I going to do that? I'm not sure, but I know that it needs to be done and I'm the only person who can do it."

She saw the resoluteness in his eyes. He was as determined about this as anything he has ever had to encounter before.

"I love you Kate. I will love you, want you, need you for the rest of my life, but I can't fix what I did to you and Aaron, I can't fix the fact that I hurt you, I wish I could, but I can't. What I can do is figure out just why this Island wouldn't leave me alone, why it still wants me around. This can't all be for nothing." Tiny shards of unshed tears pricked at his soulful brown eyes.

'_I love you Kate…I can't fix the fact that I hurt you…' _

She heard that over all the outside, she was calm and cool, breaking out into a fake smile while a searing burst of panic rose in her chest. He sounded so resigned, so settled with their breakup and the fact that he was the sole cause of it, so certain that the pain he'd caused couldn't be reversed, that he couldn't mend what happened between them, but that his only chance at true redemption lied in the Island. His tone was just as resolute and finalized as it was when he said he wouldn't help Ben, even though he was the only skilled medical professional who could. He was wrong and she knew it, only it wouldn't be helpful to convince him of that, because she was still angry. Her hurts were still fresh and tender, but they weren't as strong and powerful now that she saw that he was loosening his grip.

Had she rammed her anger down his throat so much that he was steadily digesting it and coming to grips with it? She couldn't bear to think that she'd done that to him, because as much as her pain still plagued her, her love for him was the worst and the most potent it had ever been. She had to stop this, she had to fix this, but it wouldn't happen in one night. Gradually, she would get him back. She had to. If going back to square one was the only way to save them, she would do it.

"Well, erm, it's getting late. I should go." She said, standing in place, not ready to leave, but ready to fall into bed with him, because she found that ever since he left, she wasn't sleeping well at all, months of insomnia overwhelmed her. She always slept better while he was wrapped around her, his chest, arms and hands cushioning her waist and back.

"I can get dressed and walk you to your door." He offered.

She smiled at that. The consummate gentleman. The small suggestion made her want to be with him even more.

"No. That's okay. I'll be fine." He was sure that she would be, but he just didn't want to take his eyes off of her. Not yet. Not ever.

She finally moved towards the door, and she heard the shuffling of his feet as he followed her. His long arm looped around her waist and turned the doorknob. Being that close to him set off the explosions that she steadily tried to diffuse the moment she saw him standing in the doorway, looking sexier than sin. She leaned back a little, reveling in the proximity of the moment, but before she could store it to memory, he pulled back, allowing the door to swing towards the inside of the house. The small gust of wind cooled her face, replacing the sense that the nearness of him dissipated.

She turned once she caught up with her sanity. "Goodnight Jack."

He nodded with a smile. "Goodnight Kate."

She needed to be around him, it was direr than ever before. She couldn't come to resolution with her anger, but she wouldn't be passive to what he just told her, what he just revealed to her. So she spoke before her brain had completely debated the idea.

"Do you wanna meet up for breakfast?" She asked quickly, feigning nonchalance that she didn't possess. "It seems to be our…thing." She wanted him to say yes so badly, she needed to be driven by the anticipation of seeing him.

"Sure. I'll pick you up before my shift starts." He said with such a boyishly charming smile that she couldn't find it in herself to step away, but ultimately she did, waving timidly and turning to walk away.

His emotions were an intricate play on utter confusion and extreme hopefulness. He watched as she disappeared into the darkness, and closed his door. He was trying so hard not to want her until she wanted him again, and he was so certain that the latter would never happen again, which was why he was so resolved in his position. Then she came over to apologize and offer to spend time together. The invitation made him question his stance on what was possible, on what was amendable between the two of them, but he scoffed at himself, making a bigger deal of her offer than she probably wanted him to. He knew that he would take whatever she offered, because she was Kate. If everything in his life was gone, she was still Kate, and what he had with her would never be too far from him.

He moved down the narrow hallway towards his bedroom, certain that he would dream of her again, as he had every time he closed his eyes.


End file.
